At work, I am in the middle of transitioning all our accounting systems. We are also considering a major redesign of our website. This is exactly what I was doing at this time last year. But I’m a year wiser.

At home, we are potty training a toddler. We have days when I think it won’t be too much longer and days when I feel like he’s never going to want to be completely out of diapers.

But all these things are moving forward. Slowly–and more complicated than I had thought, but forward nonetheless.

In some ways, I feel like I have very little to say. But my life is so much fuller than it was before kids. What on earth was I writing about before that I wanted to make time for?

My goal is to update this site weekly. I want to find my groove again, get the creative juices flowing. I think scheduling a specific time during the week is what I’m going to have to do.

Since Friday nights have some built in down time for me, that’s what I’ll plan on doing. I’m putting this down in writing and in public to hold myself to it.

However, now that my little girl, A, has arrived, I feel the magic.  I recovered much faster than I did the first time and I’ve really enjoyed my maternity leave and all the time I’ve spent with her.  I love how she is constantly tracking where I am and how she looks up at me with perfect trust–and lately a tiny smile.  There are big smiles too, but the tiny ones seem to have more meaning–maybe because they are reserved for when we are snuggling.

I only have one more week of leave before going back to work.  I plan to enjoy it and not worry about what will happen the following week when her dad takes over from me or even the week after when she finally enters daycare.  Right now is our time.

I’m sitting on my bed with the laptop on what’s left of my lap–mostly my knees actually.  Our second child is theoretically on its way–I’ve had very mild, inconsistent contractions since 6 pm last night.  Every once in a while, they intensify, but there’s no reason to call a midwife or drive to a hospital yet.  The baby isn’t due until Tuesday, the 30th, but everyone knows due dates are pretty arbitrary.

My son is with his grandparents and will go visit his cousins today.  I just don’t think I can chase him around and keep his busy two-year old mind entertained.  DH is frantically trying to finish our roof.

I just want to be done with it.

I wasn’t like this the first time.  I was so nervous about labor/delivery and how much work a newborn would be.  It’s not that I’m not nervous now, but we’ve gotten through it once and I know we’ll get through it again.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of not being able to get on the floor and really play with my son.  I want to be able to drink a glass or two of wine.

I also want to meet my little girl.  If she’s anything like her brother, she’s going to be amazing.

Basically, the yarn I selected, Wildefoot’s Forget Me Not, is horrible for any cabling or fancy stitching.  So the pattern, while it has it’s flaws, appears even worse because the yarn didn’t knit up the way I thought it would.

I’m also working on a Mermaid shawl using beaded silk.  Very nice feel to it, but again, it’s knitting up different than I had imagined.  Part of that is this is my first experience with any lace knitting.  It’s a very, very basic pattern but it has still taken me some time to get used to.  And the sides are not as even as I’d like.  I run into the same problem with scarves, so I need to find the “fix” so that the sides of an item remain smooth.  Is it to just slip the first stitch?

I have managed to get my son’s baby scrapbook done.  It was a pre-designed book where the pages were already embellished and all I had to do was paste the pictures in and add some stickers.  Shouldn’t have taken me almost 2 years, but there you are.  I cringe at the thought of how long it’s going to take me to get the second baby’s scrapbook done.

Swinging Bells Doily

Other projects include another Swinging Bells doily.  Haven’t started it yet, but plan to once the first sock is finished. The picture here is the one I created for my SIL at her wedding shower.

We went to see Seven Pounds today.  It’s been a long time since DH and I have actually seen a movie in the theater, so we thought to take advantage of Justin being at daycare. 

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here, but I’m about 14 weeks pregnant–meaning Justin will be an older brother sometime around June 30.  This pregnancy has been very different as far as morning sickness (more of it and longer lasting) and food cravings/avoidances.  In fact, my midwife told me today that I lost 2 lbs over the holidays!  She was concerned about my protein and calcium intake, but I’m pretty sure that the fact that this baby won’t let me eat sweets and that I’ve been chasing Justin around the couch a lot lately has had something with my weightloss.  And it’s not like I couldn’t stand to lose some weight–I started this pregnancy at the weight I was when Justin was born.  Not that I’m trying or anything.

DH is bowling tonight and I’m about to write my holiday thank you notes.  I remember the days when I went out and partied every Friday night.  Amazing how I have absolutely no desire for that anymore.  Especially after watching the effects of alcohol on DH and other family members on New Year’s Eve.

So he decides to shoot up a mall in Omaha, Nebraska.  A mall where a very close friend of my coworker worked as a store manager.  Maggie had nothing to do with this guy.  She didn’t know him; she didn’t know his ex-girlfriend.  None of his victims had anything to do with his situation.

So what gave him the right to end their lives along with his?

I remember when I was attending therapy sessions with a former fiance for his alcoholism, the counselor stated that suicide is the ultimate F*ck You.  In his experience, most suicidal attempts were made because someone was mad at those around him/her.

I’m upset that the media has released the gunman’s name and picture.  It’s exactly what he wanted.  I know that no one will remember his name in a year or two (except for the friends and families of his victims), just like no one remembers the name of the boys from Columbine or the boy in Red Lake.  I understand that, but I felt that the media made too much information available.  I don’t want to see how some victims found ways to hide or hear his message to his landlady.

I don’t get why if you want to die but you want to be remembered, you wouldn’t find a way that would make people think that you were a better person than you probably are.  Run into a burning building, go and donate a kidney (not that you’d die from that, of course), but be a positive influence in people’s lives.

When I was in high school, there was a group of boys a year ahead of me.  They weren’t popular.  They came to school in black dusters or trench coats.  But rather than get angry about how different they were, they published the first zines I ever read.  These zines sold for a buck or two and came with stickers.  They were the rage.  Anyone who was anyone was reading these things, which were nothing more than writeups about what these guys were interested in (mostly snowboarding and alternative rock), some photos, and some quotes heard around school.

It’s sad when anyone decides to end their own life.  It really is.  However, it’s truly evil to kill innocent people in the process.

• In January, the senior pastor, Pastor C, announced during a sermon that the church was in financial trouble and there needed to be an emergency congregational meeting to balance the church’s budget.  The situation was so dire, he even talked about the possibility of not only letting go of staff members but actually closing the church doors.  Lots of finger-pointing but the real problem was that no one was asking the right questions.  If we are continuously having to dip into the Building Reserve Fund to make the monthly mortgage, what happens when that money runs out?  How can we pay all our budgeted program expenses if we aren’t getting the increased donations?
• In late January the congregational meeting was held where we learned that giving had only increased something like 2% in the past 6 years but expenses continued to escalate.  We were forced to let go of our youth minister and we did not give our annual tithe to the larger church, i.e., synod.  Several smaller items such as organ tuning, newsletter mailings, etc were funded by increased donations for those purposes.
• In March-June members revised their pledges and make generous one-time gifts from  their tax refunds and economic stimulus packages.
• In late June, Pastor C, suffering from debilitating headaches takes time off to work with a neurologist.  Painkillers have had no lasting effect and the headaches are chronic.
• In July, I was asked by the bookkeeper, who is a friend of mine (hah!) to join the subcommittee.  She hints that there are some issues that are mainly caused by committee members who do not understand nonprofit financial reports.  At this time, the Associate Pastor, Pastor K, announces that she has accepted a call in another city and will be leaving in September.  She has the strongest financial background of anyone on staff or within the church membership.  But it was either cut her job or cut the tithe–she didn’t feel she should continue to work at a church where her position caused that decision.
• Sometime around end of June, early July, Pastor C has a serious setback with a burst colon.  He is in intensive care and in and out of consciousness for several weeks. 
• At the July finance meeting, the interim pastor, Pastor E, reveals that a significant bequest had been given to the church.  Not all the money had been received, but two payments totaling nearly $400,000 had been put by Pastor C into a mutual fund in the church’s name and never reported to the finance committee.  Certain members of the finance team were aware of this but had been told to keep this information to themselves.  Certain members of the congregation who knew the deceased’s family began asking questions because they knew there was a large amount of money that would resolve much of our financial woes.  Pastor C is incapacitated and we cannot get to any of his paperwork because it is locked in his office (he thought he would be gone for about a month originally). 
• In August, church committees are asked to submit their proposed budgets.  They ask for everything they have had in previous years in priority order.  Many things that were cut or taken on by individuals appear back in the budget. Bequest money is mostly moved out of mutual fund into a money market but it has lost close to $20,000.
• In September a task force is created (two members of the finance subcommittee and 3 from the congregation) to determine how to best use the bequest money.  This money still does not appear on any financial statements–and I start clamoring to get the amount that we know we have in the reports.  I ask to see financial policies and procedures so that this mis-handling of money cannot be repeated.  I am told that they are not written down–and are passed on verbally to staff and key volunteers.
• In October, the task force begins to meet.  One of the things they want to do is tithe 10% to the synod.  This is suggested to the finance subcommittee but no action is taken on it and it is not brought before the church council. Surprise email announces "retirement" of Financial Secretary–surprise because I had spoken with her the night before and knew that she had every intention of being at the November meeting.  Also get a terse email reminding finance team members of confidentiality and sensitivity of issues.
• Also in October, Pastor M has another setback when he falls and breaks his leg in 3 places.  He still needs 4 surgeries with recovery time.  This puts his possible return to next spring–if at all.
• In November, another interim pastor, Pastor G, is hired to assist Pastor E with her responsibilities.  Apparently, while we cannot afford more than one pastor, there is too much work for just one person.  At the November finance meeting, Financial Secretary shows up and states that she did not retire, she was fired.  Lots of tension and angst ensue–and two different stories emerge.  Certain protocols for termination may not have been followed–someone is clearly lying.  Pastor E says that Executive Council made the decision, but Financial Secretary says that no one from that committee contacted her and the one person who is on both the finance committee and Exec Councilclaims he was unaware of what was happening. Complaints of Pastor G–he does not have the same denominational background as our church (not sure how he came here then).  I volunteer to perform one of the tasks of the Financial Secretary until the end of the year.  This will result in an hour of my time each week.  In addition, financial procedures are drafted and the bequest money will begin to appear on financial statements.  As a footnote.
• Last week, after a marathon Church Council meeting, it was determined to NOT renew the interim contracts for the interim pastor team.   Congregational meeting explodes with hurt feelings of members who want to be heard regarding how bequest should be spent and the termination of pastors.  Common themes are to pay down the building mortgage and that we’ve had too much turnover in the pastoral staff. Also, I finally see the suggestion box that I was told would be for purposes of the bequest.  Instead it says "Suggestions for the X Bequest Tithe".  I now see why members thought that they had no say in where the money is spent–especially if the tithe is a "done deal". 

On Sunday night, I heard a very nice message on my voice mail.  It appears that my "leadership" on the finance team has been noticed–and the Nominating Committee wants to know if I’d be willing to stand for election to the Church Council.

And while I realize that filling the 5 open seats in January is going to be tough–I have some family obligations at this time and my work with the finance subcommittee is definitely challenging–I’m going to have to respectfully decline. 

Dinner was with my parents last night.  It was nice.  My mom had tried a new chili recipe that DH couldn’t stop raving about.  He also liked how everything tied in together (cornbread, cheese and crackers).  Even the wildberry pie for dessert.  Justin was a bit of a handful.  He was mostly pushing boundaries, and my mom’s husband was very quiet throughout the evening.  Not sure if he disapproved of our handling of Justin or if he was just tired.  It was fairly obvious that we don’t use a tablecloth often because when Justin had finished eating, he tried to pull it over his head.  He also tried to kick his chair backwards.  I solved those issues by pushing him far away from the table.  He hid behind the curtains in the living room, which I don’t think is a big deal.  I think the real issue is Justin’s need to be the center of attention.  He’s a typical toddler and while he can amuse himself for short periods of time, he much prefers interacting with other people.

My father dropped by yesterday with his football picks.  We have a family football pool that my brother runs.  I got a mini-lecture on why my dad changed his vote on an amendment at the last minute.  I think he was sober.  He was drunk on Saturday when he told me he had our vote……

Speaking of the amendment, we sent out a congratulatory email through our network yesterday, and I’ve been sorting through the responses ever since.  There really weren’t that many respondents but for every complimentary one, there were three filled with profanity.  Part of me wants to respond to these people with something like, "Thank you for your charming sentiments regarding our recent communication.  Per your instructions, we are removing you from our lists."  But in the end, it wouldn’t make a difference.  It’s just hard not to take the remarks personally.  Let’s face it, it’s a good thing I’m not a telemarketer.

I’m still alive and I do read my FL even if I don’t comment.  These days I just don’t feel I have much to add.  I need to get over that. So I’m updating today.

Justin is now 18 months.  We had his parent/teacher conferences at the daycare on Monday night.  They definitely know our little guy.  We all agree that physically, he’s very developed.  He will take on any physical challenge without fear and with a lot of persistence (much to my dismay).  He’s also very smart and his receptive communication is very good.  However, he will only use words or demonstrate his knowledge when he wants.  For example, I often cannot get him to point to a picture of a dog; I have a 50% success rate of getting him to say "dog" when I point to the picture, and yet he gets excited and will point it out himself if he sees the picture without any prompting.

We’re in a strange place when it comes to discipline.  Both DH and I are conflicted and confused.  We have been doing some basics–mostly redirection, but it really comes down to how much can he understand at this time?  He really doesn’t have the ability to stay in one place, so we’re not quite ready for time-outs yet.  We’ve used the basic step of ignoring him and we use a lot of praise when he does follow direction.  We’re getting some temper tantrums–rarely major–and, for the most part, I think we deal with them well.  They don’t last long (yet) because we rarely give in to him. 

I’m still working two days at the office and three days at home.  It’s a great schedule.  I’m actually at home today because I was up in the Cities yesterday holding signs outside of polling places.  Our amendment passed (funding for cleaning up our lakes and rivers) with 56%.  This is incredible because it’s more votes than either presidential candidate got.  Even more amazing is that Minnesota has a weird law that says that this type of vote is counted in a manner where a blank vote is considered a "no" vote.  A large part of our effort was to educate voters that they needed mark the box one way or another in order for their voice to be heard.

Well, I need to hop in the shower–i’ve got a doctor’s appointment in about an hour.