Overall, it’s been a good day. DH and I took turns working on things around the house and keeping Justin entertained. It worked out well.
On the downside, I got slammed pretty hard on an AP message board where I admitted that I let Justin cry for two hours once. One individual was completely insulted by this and pretty much made it clear to me and others who were trying to be supportive of the situation (I managed to get criticized yesterday for not allowing Justin to “cry it out”) that my behavior was very un-AP and should not be taken lightly. I calmly responded that the 2 hours was because I was vomiting every 15 minutes, but she still felt the need to offer her opinion and helpful suggestions. Suggestions I can take.
On the one hand, I’ve been averaging 4 hours of sleep all week due to Justin’s new sleep pattern, so I know I was tired, but this really, really hurt. In fact, I cried for a good half hour and tears have welled up throughout the day.
But as DH so helpfully reminded me, we get comments from people all the time about how happy Justin is and how his smile just lights up the room. Other teachers at his daycare make a point of visiting him during the day to see his smile. DH said that we can’t be screwing him up too bad.
I know that I’m not a terrible mom. And I know I’m not perfect either. However, it is pretty rough to take criticism one day, that I need to let Justin learn to self-soothe and cry it out, and then get blasted the very next day for admitting that he has had to cry it out.
For the record, crying it out doesn’t work for us.
Also, helpful AP expert’s suggestion of co-sleeping also does not work for us. Primarily because none of us sleep well. I get a sore back, DH can’t sleep and Justin wakes up every hour or two–which means I’m up every hour or two. Her response to that is that we need to purchase a bigger bed.
We will get this figured out (besides my drinking large amounts of wine and then nursing him afterwards). Okay, I’m kidding there. I don’t really do that. Please don’t blast me.
For being so touchy-feely, happy happy, love the baby, those AP moms can be the cruelest, bitchiest, most judgemental women I’ve ever met. If you don’t follow their standards they will cut you to the quick. We are pretty much AP over here, though we don’t call ourselves that and we tried to use the *gasp* stroller. Oh no!
Then, there are the people who cry it out and think everyone who doesn’t it totally stupid.
I’ve been blasted on both fronts and can guarantee that crying it out doesn’t work for Erik, but I know it works for others. It’s so hard! Try not to let them get you down. They don’t know you, they don’t know Justin, they don’t see your daily life. It is much easier for people to sit on high on the internet and issue judgements than it is for them to really try to get to know you and give helpful suggestions.
*big hugs*
My one suggestion? If you don’t read Ask Moxie, go do so, especially the comments. Tons and tons of suggestions, and even if they don’t work it is really a community of great women who support one another. I’ve never seen the mom-sniping like I have at other sites. At least you’ll know you aren’t alone. And believe me, you are not alone. We don’t cry it out, but there have been times that we’ve tried it and let Erik cry for 2 hours (checking on him at intervals). It didn’t kill him and he still loves us and knows he is loved. Heck, yesterday I gave him a spanking which is much worse and all he wanted to do afterwards was hug me so I dn’t think it ruined his life. http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/
Thanks for the advice. I hadn’t heard of ask moxie, so I checked it out and it looks like somewhere I could get good information. I really appreciate your comments.
For the record, I have been on this message board for over a year, and this one individual is the only person I have ever felt was judgemental. Normally, they are wonderfully supportive, and I have to keep reminding myself that she is just one woman in the group.
I’m glad to hear it is just the one woman. I must have joined the wrong groups when I was starting out. It is so hard to find the right group that feels connected. I hope you had a better night!
For being so touchy-feely, happy happy, love the baby, those AP moms can be the cruelest, bitchiest, most judgemental women I’ve ever met. If you don’t follow their standards they will cut you to the quick. We are pretty much AP over here, though we don’t call ourselves that and we tried to use the *gasp* stroller. Oh no!
Then, there are the people who cry it out and think everyone who doesn’t it totally stupid.
I’ve been blasted on both fronts and can guarantee that crying it out doesn’t work for Erik, but I know it works for others. It’s so hard! Try not to let them get you down. They don’t know you, they don’t know Justin, they don’t see your daily life. It is much easier for people to sit on high on the internet and issue judgements than it is for them to really try to get to know you and give helpful suggestions.
*big hugs*
My one suggestion? If you don’t read Ask Moxie, go do so, especially the comments. Tons and tons of suggestions, and even if they don’t work it is really a community of great women who support one another. I’ve never seen the mom-sniping like I have at other sites. At least you’ll know you aren’t alone. And believe me, you are not alone. We don’t cry it out, but there have been times that we’ve tried it and let Erik cry for 2 hours (checking on him at intervals). It didn’t kill him and he still loves us and knows he is loved. Heck, yesterday I gave him a spanking which is much worse and all he wanted to do afterwards was hug me so I dn’t think it ruined his life. http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/
Hey hon. Hang in there. I saw the post and just knew it was going to upset you.
I’m glad she didn’t run you off though! There are so many philosophies about parenting – and being a mom is damn hard. We can’t have the right answers all the time. And, I’ve even had a pediatrician recommend CIO. I remember that 8 month old phase of sleeping. It is hard – but it does get better.
((hugs))
Allison
Thanks! As I said in response to another comment, I have only experienced and seen positive support and comments from the other women on that board. I just have to remember that she’s only one woman/voice in a place where I have felt very comfortable and supported and where I have learned a lot.
Hey hon. Hang in there. I saw the post and just knew it was going to upset you.
I’m glad she didn’t run you off though! There are so many philosophies about parenting – and being a mom is damn hard. We can’t have the right answers all the time. And, I’ve even had a pediatrician recommend CIO. I remember that 8 month old phase of sleeping. It is hard – but it does get better.
((hugs))
Allison
The internet is such a great tool sometimes, and sometimes, not so much.
I don’t think letting your kid cry it out is bad parenting. Sometimes, its the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
I also don’t think NOT letting him cry it out is bad parenting. Depends on the situation and the family. Who am I to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do?
Like you said – suggestions are helpful. Bitchy backlash, not so much. Did this woman really think she was helping you OR your baby by blasting you? Probably not. She probably was having a bad day and decided to let it out on you.
You know you’re a good mom, you know you’re trying your best. Justin knows he’s loved. That’s what counts.
Thanks for your supportive comments. I really needed them.
The internet is such a great tool sometimes, and sometimes, not so much.
I don’t think letting your kid cry it out is bad parenting. Sometimes, its the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
I also don’t think NOT letting him cry it out is bad parenting. Depends on the situation and the family. Who am I to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do?
Like you said – suggestions are helpful. Bitchy backlash, not so much. Did this woman really think she was helping you OR your baby by blasting you? Probably not. She probably was having a bad day and decided to let it out on you.
You know you’re a good mom, you know you’re trying your best. Justin knows he’s loved. That’s what counts.
Ugh, I was just thinking yesterday, when I had a stomachache, about how awful it would be to be really sick and have to take care of the baby. That must have been just horrible to go through.
The thing is, and I KNOW you know this, but it never hurts to be reminded, you have to make the best decisions you can based on your actual life as it unfolds, not according to something that’s been laid out by someone else as a parenting philosophy. Your regular, day-to-day life is what matters, not the bad day or night you are bound to have now and then.
Bedsharing certainly does not work for every family. I get the bad back myself, but I’m gritting it out for now because I like it so much otherwise and I get a lot more sleep. A new bed would be great, but who can afford to drop $1000 on a king-size bed? Is that even how much a decent mattress costs?
Anyway, you’re doing fine. Justin is doing fine. You don’t have to justify yourself to those internet mommies.
Thanks for your advice. It’s good to hear it from outside myself–I often doubt my own instincts. I hear you on enjoying bed sharing. I do like the way he snuggles against me when he is in our bed.
Thanks for reminding me about what’s important.
Ugh, I was just thinking yesterday, when I had a stomachache, about how awful it would be to be really sick and have to take care of the baby. That must have been just horrible to go through.
The thing is, and I KNOW you know this, but it never hurts to be reminded, you have to make the best decisions you can based on your actual life as it unfolds, not according to something that’s been laid out by someone else as a parenting philosophy. Your regular, day-to-day life is what matters, not the bad day or night you are bound to have now and then.
Bedsharing certainly does not work for every family. I get the bad back myself, but I’m gritting it out for now because I like it so much otherwise and I get a lot more sleep. A new bed would be great, but who can afford to drop $1000 on a king-size bed? Is that even how much a decent mattress costs?
Anyway, you’re doing fine. Justin is doing fine. You don’t have to justify yourself to those internet mommies.
Oh my goodness. Wow. Well, that is why I am not on any parenting forums. People are crazy. I think folks get too caught up in things like prooving how ‘right’ they are instead of just living… Life is about so much more than that. I feel bad for folks who try to feel better about themselves by disparaging others. Well, I feel bad for them *and* dislike them immensely….I am a super-loving, tree hugging hippy chick, but I do not suffer fools gladly ๐
I was just about to post about our latest bout of AP vs. everything else in my home. Oy vey…
Thanks for your support. It really is a great forum, but it only takes one person sometimes to make things difficult. Most of the moms on the board are very good at being supportive and sharing their own experience. They tend to offer their advice in the context of what worked for them.
So I have to keep in mind that this was one person’s opinion. And fortunately, it’s the internet and I don’t have to see her or deal with her in my real life.
Oh my goodness. Wow. Well, that is why I am not on any parenting forums. People are crazy. I think folks get too caught up in things like prooving how ‘right’ they are instead of just living… Life is about so much more than that. I feel bad for folks who try to feel better about themselves by disparaging others. Well, I feel bad for them *and* dislike them immensely….I am a super-loving, tree hugging hippy chick, but I do not suffer fools gladly ๐
I was just about to post about our latest bout of AP vs. everything else in my home. Oy vey…
Thanks for the advice. I hadn’t heard of ask moxie, so I checked it out and it looks like somewhere I could get good information. I really appreciate your comments.
For the record, I have been on this message board for over a year, and this one individual is the only person I have ever felt was judgemental. Normally, they are wonderfully supportive, and I have to keep reminding myself that she is just one woman in the group.
Thanks! As I said in response to another comment, I have only experienced and seen positive support and comments from the other women on that board. I just have to remember that she’s only one woman/voice in a place where I have felt very comfortable and supported and where I have learned a lot.
Thanks for your supportive comments. I really needed them.
Thanks for your advice. It’s good to hear it from outside myself–I often doubt my own instincts. I hear you on enjoying bed sharing. I do like the way he snuggles against me when he is in our bed.
Thanks for reminding me about what’s important.
Thanks for your support. It really is a great forum, but it only takes one person sometimes to make things difficult. Most of the moms on the board are very good at being supportive and sharing their own experience. They tend to offer their advice in the context of what worked for them.
So I have to keep in mind that this was one person’s opinion. And fortunately, it’s the internet and I don’t have to see her or deal with her in my real life.
I’m glad to hear it is just the one woman. I must have joined the wrong groups when I was starting out. It is so hard to find the right group that feels connected. I hope you had a better night!
If this woman is being unkind in her comments, then perhaps it is time for the mods of the group to step in, especially if this seems to be a pattern with this woman. She may not even be aware that she is causing such grief.
One of the things I remember most from the training I took to work the child abuse hotline was that no baby ever died from crying. The other is that is you want to help, you can’t judge.
You are a good mother. You love Justin. I suspect part of the reason he may have been crying is that he was upset you were sick. And of course if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to care for anyone else.
I am glad all these Moms on y/our friend’s list chimed in while I was off trying to get over the plague that B brought back from Vegas/Texas.
If this woman is being unkind in her comments, then perhaps it is time for the mods of the group to step in, especially if this seems to be a pattern with this woman. She may not even be aware that she is causing such grief.
One of the things I remember most from the training I took to work the child abuse hotline was that no baby ever died from crying. The other is that is you want to help, you can’t judge.
You are a good mother. You love Justin. I suspect part of the reason he may have been crying is that he was upset you were sick. And of course if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to care for anyone else.
I am glad all these Moms on y/our friend’s list chimed in while I was off trying to get over the plague that B brought back from Vegas/Texas.